KSfitness: Three weeks Postpartum: A Day of Doubts

Tuesday, September 20, 2016

Three weeks Postpartum: A Day of Doubts

Yesterday I woke up after an exhausting night of feedings every two hours and Jude deciding that 3:00 AM was a good time to be wide awake for two hours. He was still asleep, but I lay there thinking to myself, "What are you doing Katelyn? You can't blog, you don't have time to complete your NASM by December, no one cares what healthy concoction you ate for breakfast, and you are never going to be a leader in health and fitness that people are actually going to want to turn to for advice." I then tried to tell myself that other people had done it so I probably could too - but a nagging in my brain kept telling me that I was different. There was something different about me, something that would make me unsuccessful - ultimately that I was a fraud. And so that is how I started my Monday.

I kept thinking about these thoughts though, this sensation of being a fraud, and realized that it has been holding me back in nearly everything. I remember in college when I was completing my degree in Animal, Dairy, and Veterinary sciences and having that sensation that I was a fraud. Even when I was excelling on exams I knew that I hadn't come from a ranching or farming background, that I wasn't working at a vet clinic, and that all of the information I was able to regurgitate I had never used in practice. Instead of allowing myself to feel successful, intelligent, and engaged in the experience I constantly felt like I was just slipping by- barely making it. It was a confidence thing really. And I think it has continued to follow me as I have settled for job after job that is way below my knowledge level. I've never been paid for my degree because I've never felt confident in my abilities or my education.

As my Monday continued on, I knew I had to complete my NASM certification - failure just isn't my style. Neither is wasting money. But it was like I was settling. "Okay, we signed up, we'll get it done, we will do really well, and then we won't be confident enough to do anything with it - but at least we accomplished the goal." But really, that wasn't ever the goal. It was never my goal to get a college degree that I have done absolutely nothing with, and it was never my goal to go through this NASM certification so I could check one more thing off my bucket list. I WANT MY EDUCATION TO WORK FOR ME. Either one. I'm passionate about animals, health, and fitness. And so I have decided:

I'm done feeling like a fraud.
I'm done feeling like I'm not good enough, smart enough, or talented enough to get where I want to go.
I'm done doubting myself.
I'm done feeling like everyone else has this edge or mysterious skill that I don't.
And I'm done not feeling confident in myself.

Your thoughts are everything. I am a huge believer in the Law of Attraction and that what you put out into the universe is what the universe sends your way. I've witnessed myself intentionally manifest things, and I've also witnessed all of the unintentional manifestations as I think back on my past. Here is too positive thinking. Here is too putting my best foot forward. Here is to achieving whatever in the hell I want to.