Three weeks Postpartum: A Day of Doubts

Yesterday I woke up after an exhausting night of feedings every two hours and Jude deciding that 3:00 AM was a good time to be wide awake for two hours. He was still asleep, but I lay there thinking to myself, "What are you doing Katelyn? You can't blog, you don't have time to complete your NASM by December, no one cares what healthy concoction you ate for breakfast, and you are never going to be a leader in health and fitness that people are actually going to want to turn to for advice." I then tried to tell myself that other people had done it so I probably could too - but a nagging in my brain kept telling me that I was different. There was something different about me, something that would make me unsuccessful - ultimately that I was a fraud. And so that is how I started my Monday.

I kept thinking about these thoughts though, this sensation of being a fraud, and realized that it has been holding me back in nearly everything. I remember in college when I was completing my degree in Animal, Dairy, and Veterinary sciences and having that sensation that I was a fraud. Even when I was excelling on exams I knew that I hadn't come from a ranching or farming background, that I wasn't working at a vet clinic, and that all of the information I was able to regurgitate I had never used in practice. Instead of allowing myself to feel successful, intelligent, and engaged in the experience I constantly felt like I was just slipping by- barely making it. It was a confidence thing really. And I think it has continued to follow me as I have settled for job after job that is way below my knowledge level. I've never been paid for my degree because I've never felt confident in my abilities or my education.

As my Monday continued on, I knew I had to complete my NASM certification - failure just isn't my style. Neither is wasting money. But it was like I was settling. "Okay, we signed up, we'll get it done, we will do really well, and then we won't be confident enough to do anything with it - but at least we accomplished the goal." But really, that wasn't ever the goal. It was never my goal to get a college degree that I have done absolutely nothing with, and it was never my goal to go through this NASM certification so I could check one more thing off my bucket list. I WANT MY EDUCATION TO WORK FOR ME. Either one. I'm passionate about animals, health, and fitness. And so I have decided:

I'm done feeling like a fraud.
I'm done feeling like I'm not good enough, smart enough, or talented enough to get where I want to go.
I'm done doubting myself.
I'm done feeling like everyone else has this edge or mysterious skill that I don't.
And I'm done not feeling confident in myself.

Your thoughts are everything. I am a huge believer in the Law of Attraction and that what you put out into the universe is what the universe sends your way. I've witnessed myself intentionally manifest things, and I've also witnessed all of the unintentional manifestations as I think back on my past. Here is too positive thinking. Here is too putting my best foot forward. Here is to achieving whatever in the hell I want to.

Believe in yourself.

-Katelyn

*I did not check that these quotes were actually by the people quoted. The message remains the same however.

Two Weeks Postpartum

Today marks two weeks since I did the hardest thing I have ever physically done - giving birth to my first child, Jude. I love him more than I've ever loved anything. It's hard to imagine that I have kept a tiny human alive for fourteen days on my breast milk alone. The female body is absolutely amazing.

I was always terrified to bear children. It's sad to say that I was that shallow about the appearance of my body. I was afraid it would be the end of feeling good about myself. I thought it would be the turning point that I couldn't make a come back from. But you want to know what? I looked in the mirror the day after giving birth and loved every inch of myself more than I ever had. I loved that I had grown him, that I had fed him healthy food while taking care of myself, that I had carried him inside me for nine months and felt all of his sweet baby kicks. And while I'm grateful that my body has continued to recover and slowly return to it's normal self I don't think any strong mama should have to be ashamed of her post baby body. You're a warrior for bringing life into this world. 

Because I feel this way I am here to document my recovery back to my 'normal' self and maybe even achieve some things I haven't done before? I have a son to impress now and he needs a strong, motivated, and fulfilled mom to help him navigate the rough terrain of this world!


The First Two Weeks

First and foremost I must give my little public service announcement that...what you do in pregnancy does matter! Society, movies, books, etc. have portrayed it as this time that women entirely let go and turn into monsters who eat everything whenever and wherever. Believe me I indulged....sweet potato fries...pizza...whole milk steamers...but I also ate healthier than I have ever eaten in my entire life. I stuck to my healthy food classics and ate every three hours. I counted calories a couple days a week to make sure that I was eating just enough for me and my sweet child. I lifted weights until I was thirty weeks and then continued doing 45 minutes of cardio daily up until the day my water broke. I believe this was a HUGE factor for why I suffered from so few of the standard pregnancy ailments - I felt pretty great throughout my whole pregnancy. At my highest weight I gained 23 pounds but when I gave birth I think I was closer to only a 20 pound weight gain - the little really sucked it all out of me those last few weeks! So if you are currently pregnant or are planning for your next one remember that pregnancy can be a time to nurture your growing baby and your hard working body - both of which can have huge pay offs.

(If you did throw caution to the wind while being pregnant you are still an awesome mama whose body has done something absolutely amazing - start where you are now!)

I mention what I did during my pregnancy because I think it has helped my body recover so quickly from birth. I gave birth to a healthy 7 lb 10 oz boy (so I certainly did not starve myself). And as of today I have reached my pre-pregnancy weight. HOWEVER, my pants still do not fit! Body composition is everything! I was much more muscular before I got pregnant where as now I am squishy :). Muscle takes up less room than fat per pound.

Here is what I have been doing the last two weeks:

Breastfeeding. This definitely has to be what has sucked up the weight I had leftover after he came out. I feel like I can hardly eat enough food! I'm feeding a small monster. If you can breastfeed postpartum or pump to bottle feed I would highly recommend it. It helped my uterus shrink back down really quickly and is burning extra calories while I snuggle with my baby. Win and win.

Drinking 100 oz of Water a Day. This has been easy because I have been extremely thirsty (see above). Well hydrated bodies just do everything better. It's going to help your recovery, it's going to help your lose skin, and it's going to get the nutrients where they need to go in your body. Keep that hospital mug they give you and fill it up throughout the day.

Eating My Regular Diet. I resumed my regular healthy diet the hour I came home from the hospital. I could not wait to make myself a Pumpkin Spinach smoothie. I subsist on pretty much the same healthy foods on rotation. If eating healthy wasn't something you did pre-pregnancy or during pregnancy now is a great time to start. Start with breakfast every day, find what healthy foods you really enjoy and incorporate them. Everyday won't be perfect - but the more you put effort into feeding yourself nutritious foods in the right amount the quicker you are going to recover. I'm also just eating when I am hungry. I don't plan to start counting macros again until I resume weightlifting which might be another two weeks.

Walking. Obviously this is going to depend on your birth experience but my doctor cleared me to workout as soon as I felt ready too. He didn't give me a six week stipulation or anything. I took the first week off just learning how to care for Jude and getting used to breastfeeding. But this past week I started taking him out for walks in the stroller and trying to go up and down as many hills as I could find on our walks. I'm slowly trying to prepare my leg muscles to be built again. Physical activity after birth is going to look different for everyone but do what you can - even if that is just making an effort to be up on your feet for thirty minutes a day. Get your blood flowing.

Finding little 'Mom Sanities' Every Day. I've been on my own a lot since Jude's birth.  Taking care of a newborn on your own as a first-time mom is absolutely exhausting! My husbands schedule should be much better from here on out and maybe I won't feel so sorry for myself lol. But maintaining your mental health is equally as important to your recovery. It has helped immensely to be able to take a long shower and get ready for the day when my husband gets home in the morning from his Grave shift. Or driving to Starbucks in the afternoon for a coffee (the only coffee place in town with a drive through :( ). Whatever it is - do something that mentally makes you happy. I am an emotional eater so keeping myself happy is important.

I plan to post once or twice a week :).

-Katelyn

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